Wanda Sykes – White House Correspondent’s Dinner

This is the verbatim version (aside from any mistakes I’ve made):

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“Uh, thank you. Thank you. Uh, this is, uh, this is truly an honor to be here, uh. It really is.

“And I keep getting asked the same question, you know, ‘Are you nervous? Are you nervous?’ With this administration, what is there to be nervous about? You know, if – if I do a good job, I get great press. If I screw it up royally, Tim Geightner’d give me a bonus!

“But, you know, I understand because it’s – it’s hard to – to poke fun at – at the President, because he’s so likable! Everybody likes him, you know, there’s T-Shirts and bumper stickers. Listening to the radio and people are dedicating songs. You know, I’d like to send out ‘Always and Forever’ to Mr. President.

“People love you, you know, and even the media! You know, you guys have been very favorable towards the President. You know, it’s funny to me that they’ve never caught you smoking, but they somehow always catch you with your shirt off. I know you intend this ‘transparency’ thing, but, uh, I don’t need to see your nipples.

“Is – is there a beach at Camp David? What the ****, you know? You know, there was never a nipple portrait of Lincoln.

“But this is amazing, you know, the – the – the first black President, you know – I know you’re bi-racial – but the first black President.

“I mean, it’s proud – you’re – you’re proud to be able to say that, you know – the first black President, you know. Well, that’s unless you screw up. And then it’s gonna be ‘What’s up with the half-white guy, huh?’ ‘Who voted for the melado? What the **** – what?’

And – and, I – I must say, mister President, I thought that when, you know, when you got into office that you would put a swift end to your basketball pick-up playing, you know, basketball pick-up playing, you know. Uh, I mean, come on, first black President, playing basketball, you know. That’s one step forward, two steps back. And – and really, can – are you any good? I – I bet you think your game really nice right now, don’t you? Yeah, you really think you got good moves, huh? I mean, come on, nobody’s gonna give the President a hard foul with the Secret Service standing there. He’s probably bragging and everything ‘You should’ve seen me today, baby! I was ballin!’, you know. You know? Yeah?

“They just stroking your ego, like ‘Ooh, Mr. President, you really shook me that time’, you know, ‘I thought you was going this way, and then I saw Secret Service do this, so I went that way and, uh. Right to the hole, sir. Right to the hole.’

“But that’s the thing about you, sir. You’re – you’re so likable because you’re so accessible, you know, playing basketball. You’re, you know, I – I be you rappers even give you their demo, don’t you, you know. ‘Hey, can you get this to Jay Z. for me?’ And you – you – you’re taking the First Lady out on dates. I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if I walked past the White House and see you out there, mowing the lawn. Don’t let him get a John Deere, please. Please, don’t let.

“But, and – and you just hang out, you – and I think you hang out too much, you know. What – what was that, you and Joe Biden out getting hamburgers. The two of you can’t hang out together! Whose idea was that, Nancy Pelosi’s? Man. Man. ‘Why don’t you boys go out and get a bite?’ You know she was a Hillary supporter, what’s wrong with you? Oh, and God forbid if – if Joe Biden falls in the hands of a terrorist. God forbid if there’s ever a hostage situation. We’re done. Oh, they won’t even have to torture him! All they have to do is go ‘How’s it going, Joe?’

“He come out with stacks of information, you know. ‘What’d you do, did you waterboard him?’ ‘No, I just said ‘Nice weather’ and he’s – he’s still talking! Just… I can’t listen to him anymore! It’s like torture!’

“And see, if you guys are running out like that, that’s why there’s the Secret Service, man, come on. You guys – you guys gotta stay on point, all right? You gotta step up your game. You may be a little nervous when those shoes got past you, you know. They’re throwing shoes at Bush, you know, maybe you’re a little nervous, but I did speak to the head of the Secret Service and, to their defense, he told me that, uh, ‘We just don’t know how much footwear they stocked.’

“I gotta say this about President Bush, man, he – he knows how to leave town, right? Never heard anything from him. He’s just quiet. He left like that house guest who breaks something in your house – They hurry up and get out of there before you find out. You look at your beautiful vase. You’re like ‘What the ****? Who broke my vase?’ And I gotta say, he broke a lot of stuff, sir. He broke a lot of stuff. I mean, you thought you were, you know, find a new home. You got a fixer-upper, huh? And there’s a lot of things that need to be fixed. And you’re – you’re trying to help and – and I’m amazed that there’s some people who won’t even allow you to help. Like what’s – what’s up with all these governors not wanting to take the money? Who turns down money? You know? Maybe you should get Opra to give it away. Opra’s like ‘Okay, Governors. Look under your seats!’

“I know, uh, Governor, uh, Palin, uh, she’s not here tonight, uh. She pulled out at the last minute. You know, somebody should tell her ‘That’s not really how you practice abstinence.’ Aw, shutup, you’re gonna be telling that one tomorrow. Shutup. You know, and these things, the states – they need the money. They need the money. Especially the school system. I – I’m so happy that – that you’re doing something about education and – and you wanna pay our teachers more. Because our teachers are grossly underpaid. That’s right. Pay the teachers more money. Maybe then they’ll stop sleeping with the students. You’ll tell that one, too. I’m telling you.

“Tax problems, man. Um, everybody’s, you know, complaining about taxes. Nobody wants to pay their taxes. Everybody, you know, everybody’s complaining about ‘Don’t raise taxes!’ and wanna increase taxes. And, me, I don’t mind paying my fair share. I gladly pay my fair share. But you know, a lot of people, they’re just, you know, have problems with it. And I see, you know, you – you go, like, dinners like this and fancy occasions and even fundraising events. You see people, you know, shelling out big money for, for charity dinners, you know, like two thousand dollars a plate or something – I think it’s – it’s not the problem that people, you know, don’t like writing a check. I think they just like to dress up. So maybe, next April 15, you have like a big tax ball. You know, uh, you know, give everybody some champaigne. Bring Rascal Flatts in, you know, have it at the convention center. You see people getting all ready for, you know, uh, girls getting their nails done. ‘What are you doing, girl?’ ‘I’m going to pay my taxes!’

“And, uh, the First Lady. Beautiful as always. Look very nice, and, uh. And, you know, I – and how dare you people give her grief about baring her arms. The country is broke, all right? Sleeves cost money. And you have lovely arms. So, I’m glad you’re showing off your arms. That’s right. That’s why, also, you let some of these little floozies out here know. You know, you can try some funny business if you want to, but you gonna get one of these babies around your neck! You have beautiful arms. Some of the previous First Ladies – they needed sleeves. Some of them needed ponchos. Good grief. I didn’t name any names!

“But, you – you do need to keep your arms to yourself, sometimes. Yeah, you know. Went over to London, touching the Queen. You can’t do that! You over there, patting the Queen on the back like she just slid into home plate. ‘Way to go, Queen!’ And whose idea was it to give the Queen an iPod? What an aweful gift! Your – his idea? What’s she gonna do? Download ‘Lady Gaga’? What – what – what? What are you going to give the Pope? A BlueTooth? You should’ve given the Queen something, you know, like a momento of our country. Something that says ‘America,’ you know. Give her Texas. And I think they, uh, to the First Lady, kudos to you for, uh, unveiling the bust of Sojourner Truth in the White House. That – that is – yes. And, for, could you do me a favor and please make sure it’s nailed down well? Because, uh, because you know, when the next white guy comes in, they’re gonna move it to the kitchen. So…

“But, Mr. President, you’ve had your fair share of critics, you know, I – even Senator McCain. Senator McCain gave you grief about the new helicopters that you didn’t order. You know, I think Mr. McCain was just a little bitter because he wanted to be in the new helicopters. But I – I’m gonna tell Mr. McCain, like, uh, Mr. McCain, ‘I’m sure if you ask nicely, your wife will buy you a helicopter.’

“Rush Limbaugh, one of your big critics, uh, boy, Rush Limbaugh said he hopes this administration fails. You know, so you’re saying ‘I hope America fails.’ You’re like ‘I don’t care about people losing their homes or jobs or our soldiers in Iraq.’ He just wants the country to fail. To me, that’s treason! He’s not saying anything differently than what Osama Bin Laden is saying. You know, you might wanna look into this, sir, because I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the twentieth hijacker but he was so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight. Too much? Oh.

“Rush Limbaugh. ‘I hope the country fails.’ I hope his kidneys fail! How about that? He needs a little waterboarding, that’s what he needs. Sean Hannity. Sean Hannity said he was going to get waterboarded for, uh, for charity, for armed for-forces. He hasn’t done it, yet. Talk about taking waterboarding. Please. Yeah, okay, you may get waterboarded by someone you know or trust, but, you know, let – let somebody from Pakistan waterboard or Keith Olbermann. Let Keith Olbermann waterboard. He can’t take a waterboarding. I can break Sean Hannity just by giving him a middle seat in coach. Oh, I need leg room!

“Dick Cheney. Oh my – he’s a scary man. I would – scares me to death. I tell my kids; I say ‘Look. If two cars pull up, one has a stranger, and the other car has Dick Cheney, you get in the car with the stranger!’ Dick Cheney is trying to defend torture. Trying to defend torture! He goes, well, ‘They should release the – the memos to show the good information we got from our practices.’ You can’t defend torture! That’s like me robbing a bank and then going in front of the judge and saying ‘Yes, your honor. I robbed the bank, but look at all these bills I paid.

“And finally, so, they’re even giving you – gave you grief about the dog – about Bo, you know. The animal rights people are on you ‘Why didn’t you get a rescued dog? Why didn’t he get a rescued dog?’ Look, the man has to rescue a country that’s been abused by its previous owner. Let him have a fresh start with the dog. Thank you all very much. Good night.”