Favorite Quotes

“Possible Democrat slogan for 2010: “You have yet to know true suffering.”” -Frank J. (more)

IMAO Random Thoughts

Frank J.’s Random Thoughts:

All the Obama car metaphors make me think of the Bond car with the ejection seat.

From what I learned at the birthing class, it doesn’t look like this whole labor thing is going to be much fun for me.

So I’m finally going to ask: What’s the point of a vest? Like what exactly is it doing for Han Solo?

Not too much longer until the baby is born. I should pick out a sturdy burlap sack for transporting the baby in.

Burlap sacks keep children out of trouble.

Don’t buy Obama a tie for his birthday as liberals will claim its symbolic for a noose.

I actually learned how to subtract before I learned to add. Is that weird? [edit Yes]

I can’t stand those uncouth conservatives of the future who will not be the calm intellectual I am.

Calm down. The reason the Cordoba people were pointing towards Ground Zero and laughing is because they saw Dane Cook in that direction.

I forget. Is Prop 8 being overturned a victory or defeat for Obama?

Can we stop wasting time with the Ninth Circuit and just skip to the next stage?

It always seems like it’s Judge Nic Cage finding all this hidden stuff in the Founding Fathers’ documents no one noticed before.

You can’t have judges just make up new stuff and expect people to have any trust in democracy.

Conservatives have to fight to have something recognized that’s always been there (2nd Amendment), and liberals just get to make up new stuff.

In the future, there will be no voting and all battles will be fought among judges. Imagine Voltron in a black robe. That’s the future.

Conservatives need to concentrate only on getting judges in the right places and then make Democrats illegal.

At least we’ll save money on polls when the opinion of most Americans no longer matters on all the issues.

IMAO Random Thoughts

Frank J’s Random Thoughts:

“So has the Obama administration given an official opinion on the show Red Eye yet?”

“It would be funny if FOX News responded to the White House by putting Greg Gutfeld and Andy Levy on as regular anchors during the day.”

“‘FOX News: Not news… just awesome.’”

“Swine flu is pretty bad, but at least it’s not swine gonorrhea.”

“If Fred Thompson says you’ll like something I wrote, that means if you read it and don’t like it, you instantly die.”

“A fool-proof paternity test is to go back in time and kill who you think is your father and see if it creates a paradox.”

“If the Founding Fathers were so Smart, what’s with All the random capitalization of Words in the Constitution?”

“At least they didn’t randomly bold things and put things in caps. That’s nature’s way of telling you someone is an internet crank.”

“Why does spell check still tell me I should capitalize ‘internet’? Who capitalizes that word? Oh, I guess the Founding Father would.”

“I lived in Jersey for nine years. I still wake up screaming.”

“Over 8.5 million people live in NJ. What possible explanation is there for that? It’s not North Korea; you can leave any time!”

“I have a slogan that could turn the Virginia election around: ‘Creigh-zy for Creigh Deeds!’”

“New nickname for Obama: Sissy Nixon”

“A lot of corruption in Alaska. I guess it’s like how kids feel they can get away with things when they sit at the very back of the bus.”

“The Dog Whisperer vs. Scooby Doo; that would be something. Maybe he could also stop those kids from being so meddlesome.”

“Since I’m a humor expert, if I tell you something is funny and you don’t find it funny, that means your brain is stupid.”

“Liberals don’t hate conservatives. They just lash out at them from misplaced rage from their hatred of liberty and America.”

“New DNA evidence proves that Video was falsely convicted and executed for killing the Radio Star.”

“My football readiness level is high.”

“I hope people use me to sell products long after I’m dead. “Zombie Frank J. says buy Charmin.””

“They [The L.A. Angels] should be more like an angel of death and less like ‘Touched by an Angel.’”

IMAO Random Thoughts

Frank J.’s Random Thoughts:

It’s not so much an argument Reid should not be Senator as that he should be in a nursing home with 24/7 care.

I hear Ackerman now carries around a plate-glass window in case he see someone who needs to go through it.

So how do you tell a regular glass window from a plate-glass window. Has Ackerman blogged on this?

So FOX News’s biggest mistake was assuming the White House fired Sherrod for legitimate reasons. Lesson: Never assume Obama competence.

I ran into Spencer Ackerman and I was so scared! Luckily there were no plate glass windows around so I was safe.

The Spencer Ackerman of the future puts people through plates of transparent aluminum.

Are we being unfair to Ackerman? Maybe DailyCaller left out the part where he learned it’s wrong to put people through plate glass windows.

I think Sherrod should apologize to Breitbart. I’ll think of a reason later.

So did everyone find out our right-wing conspiracy to slander Sherrod? Who ratted?

IMAO Random Thoughts

Frank J.’s Random Thoughts:

“I don’t think you should be free in this country to denounce freedom. Not being free to denounce freedom would make denouncers of freedom happy since then they wouldn’t be free.”

“Right now it’s looking like if Obama had put Ayers and Wright on his staff, that would make it more centrist.”

“Scientists calculate there are up to 10^10^16 alternate universes. That’s five more than I would have guessed.”

“MSNBC’s ratings and Obama’s sinking popularity tell us that while American may vote for liberals, they don’t like hearing them speak.”

“I hope the Yankees win every competition in every sport so that the only people who are ever [be] happy are Yankees fans. And Satan.”

“Anyone seen any interesting pine cones lately? I saw one that was brown.”

“Some seasons I don’t see pine cones. I wonder where they hide.”

“I hear pine cones are actually pineapples that have been left in the sun too long, but I haven’t confirmed this.”

“If you leave a pine cone under your pillow, it will really freak out the Tooth Fairy. “What kind of tooth is that!” Ha ha. Of course, I’m not sure you should interfere with the Tooth Fairy’s business. If it weren’t for her, we’d have landfills of teeth.”

“I really don’t know what pine cones are hoping to accomplish, but from the looks of them it can’t be anything good.”

“The doorbell rang, and when I opened the door there was a pine cone sitting on the front steps. Whoever did that, that’s not funny.”

“Who would ever have thought to pitch the premise of Red Dwarf as a sitcom? For fun, I just described the show to my wife, and didn’t mention it was British sitcom. ‘There this spaceship, and this one man is disciplined and put into stasis for the rest of the mission. When he awakes, the whole crew is dead from a radiation leak and it’s three million years in the future. It’s hilarious!’”

“Cats aren’t as flammable as you’d think.”

“Am I annoying? I certainly don’t like me, but I don’t like anyone.”

“How could anyone be as unhappy when they know they’re loved by someone as important as Jesus?”

“Jesus does not love pine cones.”

“I hate it when a baseball game is tied. Nine innings is already way too many for such a boring sport.”

“If you shoot a monkey and say it was self-defense, do they just take your word as a human or do you have a full trial?”

“The only war that was like the Vietnam War was the Vietnam War… and it was only vaguely like itself.”

“A is not A. They are two different As I had to type separately.”

“If Rush isn’t a racist, then why would people bother to make up so many quotes proving he’s racist?”

“This is a fun country. I really like it.”

“I think this balloon boy stunt was all just some scheme to distract Superman while some major crime went down.”

IMAO Random Thoughts

Frank J.’s Random Thoughts:

“I’m bored with Obama. What’s the procedure for getting a new president?”

“It would save lives if everyone were forced to loudly announce their attack like in Japanese cartoons. ‘Drive-By Shooting!’”

“So what politics are you allowed to have if you want to own a football team?”

“I could see people not wanting Rush to own a team if it was European footsie ball, but American football? Man up, people.”

“If SNL wants to do something daring, they should do a sketch making fun of Obama whining about FOX News.”

“Holidays are great as a kid, but eventually you realize work doesn’t magically get done just because you had a day off. Unless you’re a sorcerer.”

IMAO Random Thoughts

Frank J.’s Random Thoughts:

“I know what Nixon did was awful, but that’s still not a good excuse for electing Carter”

“I don’t believe anyone has ever opposed something a president has done before. It’s unprecedented. I blame sexism.”

“So are the mindless charges of racism a reverse “Southern Strategy”? Shore up black support at the expense of white support?”

“If you think open-carrying a gun gets you a lot of stares, try it with a battle axe. Of course, if you’re planning on mugging someone, there are plenty of non-battle-axe-carrying people to choose from.”

“Fringe is a lot like X-Files, except… it’s a lot like X-Files.”

“I don’t think ending missile defense will be a winner for Obama. One of things Americans like most is not being nuked.”

“Reading a weekly magazine for news these days is only a step up from reading cave paintings.”

“With Obama ending missile defense, we should all learn from Indiana Jones and get lead-lined fridges.”

“Would it be considered a partisan stunt if I jumped twenty Democrats on a motorcycle?”

“There’s a very good reason conservative argue principle and liberals tend to promote specific policies. When liberals start to argue frankly what they actually believe, holy [cow] is that scary.”

“During the 2008 campaign, I always wondered what a community organizer was. Thanks to the ACORN videos, now I know!”

“Conservatism started in 2009 as a response to there being a black person as president.”

“What does Carter know about racism? He’s a dumb cracker.”

“Frankly, I’m tired of white people. I’m around them all the bleeping time. If you don’t know any white people, all they do is stand around and tell racist jokes. It gets old fast.”

“Let’s keep harping on the MSM until they give up and finally criticize Obama and then let’s call them racist.”

“I think a lot of the anger from conservatives directed at Obama might be because Obama is from the opposite party and is president.”

“Wow! Conservatives haven’t been this riled up since the last time the president was a Democrat. It must be because he’s black.”

“How do you tell a real racist from someone falsely accused of racism? Real racists will bite you.”

“I think Obama’s been on camera more than the star of the Truman Show.” The Truman Show was a movie about the fictional Truman Show, the main character (Truman) of which had no idea he was on a TV show. The TV show aired 24-hours-a-day.

“Yes, if a racist bites you you become one.”

“In the future, hopefully ACORN employees will be more cautious of which pimps they confess their murders to.”

“I know global warming is real because I once warmed a globe in a lab.”

“Being a rightwing wackos will always be balanced by need of an actual job. The left can actually find jobs as being wackos, though.”

“Obama could earn a lot – a lot – more conservative support if he also declared that Jimmy Carter is a [jerk]. Actually, isn’t the fact that Jimmy Carter is a [jerk] part of the Republican platform?”

“All this race stuff is getting silly. We need some sort of national program to blind everybody. I would only get blinded in one eye and be king.”

“If I were blind, I would become a samurai.”

“Advantage of lack of coverage of 9/12: People can claim whatever number they want attended and no one is there to contradict them.”

“I wish I had a handgun that sets people on fire at a distance because sometimes I don’t want to kill people and just want to set them on fire as a warning.”

“Hurm… what political issue should I pretend to care about today…”

“Blogs are nice, but I’m never going to feel like a full-fledged crank unless I publish my own newsletter.”

“Yay! ACORN has been defunded! I wonder if we should be suspicious though of this new BCORN that just popped up?”

“Obama is stupid. When do we get a new president?”

“The stupidest part of the liberal is their brain.”

“I think the most fundamental principle any liberal has that guides all his political actions is the sincere belief that he’s very smart.”

“It will be great for Obama after 2010 because then his complaints about Republicans blocking him won’t seem so silly.”

“More people need to speak out against the earth. We never chose this planet and it’s kinda mindless to pretend we like it so much. One day we’ll find a planet without earthquakes and tsunamis and we’ll all say, ‘I can’t believe we used to like Earth. It really sucks.’”

“I think Obama’s biggest problem is that he hasn’t been on TV enough. I’m glad he’s going to remedy that.”

“In a free society, having the government decide what your kids should know will always make public schools a square peg shoved in a round hole.”

“Liberals are very smart and if you disagree with them they will bite you.”

“If you ever saw Garofalo talk about politics, it does always look like she’s just on the edge of savagely biting the person nearest.”

“I don’t agree with what you say, but I’ll fight to the death for your right to say it. And then I’ll bite you.”

“Sometimes I want to beat myself up because I get jealous of how awesome I am.”

“I heard that during the vetting process Van Jones bit off someone’s finger and that still didn’t disqualify him. Also, he urinated on one of the forms, but no where in the rules does it say you can’t do that.”

“Maybe we’re overreacting. People just tend to get suspicious of black Vans.”

“HOLY [COW]! RAINFORESTS ARE WET!!!”

IMAO Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts:

“Future Headline: “Conservatives Angry, Hippies Hardest Hit””

“Killing all the lawyers would save us money on health care. Especially if we kill all the sickly lawyers.”

“I missed it; did Olbermann win in his fight against death or is he dead now?”

“I bet death beat him up and gave him a wedgie on air.”

Most of the CNN Fact Checks and Puppy Tips.

“This country needs a revolution! Or if that’s too much, a rotation!”

“Crazy [right-wingers] are all so afraid of Obama even though he hardly ever bites.”

“Me, I’m not afraid of liberals. I’m afraid of fire.”

“It just shows what a mystique Obama has that even I keep getting tricked into thinking he has basic competence.”

“It’s nice to know the international community can make our president dance for their amusement.”

“Don’t worry about Obama; he’s got years to figure this job out.”

“Did I see it in the paper? Might as well ask if I’ve seen it painted on the cave wall.”

“For the record, you can’t complain about Glenn Beck and then prop up a loud moron like Alan Grayson.”

“I just got an e-mail that Obama may not be an American. Anyone hear of this?”

“It’s not that Alan Grayson is an exceptional loud idiot in Congress; he’s just a new one.”

“If we let people who say moronic things who don’t live in safe, uncompetitive districts, it will be anarchy.”

“Anarchy is one of my least favorite archies.”

“Didn’t the last time the Democrats had a majority in Congress they kept it for 40 years? Not thinking they’re going to do so well again.”

“On further review, the dumbest thing about Alan Garyson’s outburst is that he labeled ‘if you get sick’ a step.”

“The White House talked to Iran and they think it went well but they can’t be sure since everyone was speaking Iranian.”

“So how many of the Polanski defenders are ignorant and vacuous and how many are perverted beyond all help?”

“Alan Grayson is kind of an idiot. I can see accidentally saying something stupid but it’s different when you had Kinkos print it out for you.”

“Palin is very innovative. She was apparently the first to use a ghost writer just like she was the first politician to use a speech writer.”

“Probably one of Hollywood’s biggest problems is that they try to take on complex moral issues when they fail the basics.”

“Let’s not let the little issue of raping a 13-year-old obscure the bigger issue: A judge may have been overzealous!”

“So how big a majority do the Democrats actually need to enact their idiotic agenda?”

“Raping a 13-year-old isn’t an ‘agree to disagree’ thing. It’s a ‘you can no longer be part of our society if you disagree’ thing.”

“How about conservatives agree to search for and kick out the racists if liberals agree to do the same for the pro-rapists.” And their own racists, while they’re at it.

“I don’t think all — or even most — liberals are pro-rapist, but they apparently have a pro-rapist problem.”

“I like these ‘Free Polanksi’ petitions. It’s so much easier when Hollywood blacklists itself.”

“The economy should eventually improve, but we all might be enslaved by apes by the time it happens.”

“I will be on the View tomorrow at 11am ET. No, wait, that was just a nightmare.”

“What separates man from animal? Hats.”

“I hope before the White House staff gives Joe Biden toys they make sure none of them are a choking hazard.”

“So are the French for drugging and sodomizing 13-year-olds? If so, I hope the State Department issues some sort of travel warning.”

“What exactly is Obama supposed to talk to General McCrystal about? McCrystal doesn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy.”

“The more I read about Polanski’s crime, the more I move from ‘he’s suffered enough’ towards ‘chuck him in the incinerator.’”

“So should we start a pool on what country is going to get nuked first or which country going to first do the nuking?”

“Know what would be the quickest way to get rid of lots of nuclear weapons? A worldwide nuclear war.”

“I wonder if the evil-universe version of me always wears a hat.”

“Liberals: ‘Republicans rhetoric is inciting people to murder! We must stop them any way we can, including murder!’”

“You shouldn’t be allowed to have ‘and’ in your country name. Trinidad & Tobago sounds more like a buddy cop film than a nation.”

“That Qaddafi guy is a conspiracy-loving nutjob. I wonder if he’d be interested in the Green Jobs Czar position?”

“Before the U.N., crazed dictators had to just satisfy themselves by ranting into the mirror”

“Does the U.N. really need to give crazy people an international platform to rant? Can’t they just get a blog now?”

“I think most of our societal ills can be traced to when the public decided it was morally okay to go outside hatless.”

“I wonder if lemmings will ever decide to sue humans for defamation of character; they could be joined by the ostrich and the ‘boiling’ frog. ‘I don’t care if we make great political analogies! It’s just not true!’”

“I like Obama today. I guess it’s seeing Qaddafi and Dinnerjacket; Obama seems like George Washington in comparison. Perspective is good.”

“Anyone who exaggerates is like Hitler times a million.”

IMAO Random Thoughts

Frank J.’s Random Thoughts:

“For all we know, the other nominees could have all been murderers and terrorists and rapists and thus Obama was the most deserving. Certainly none of them bombed the moon.”

“The Nobel Peace Prize is yet another way Obama is personally connected to terrorists.”

“Just once, I’d like Obama to say, ‘Let me be clear: Gurble flazzle wiggy woozle.’”

“If they bring back Crystal Pepsi, Obama would be a great spokesman. ‘Let me be clear… Pepsi Clear!’”

“Didn’t the Nobel Peace Prize committee see Obama kill that fly?”

“How am I like a terrorist? I laughed at Obama. How am I not like a terrorist? I’m not friends with Obama.”